Heartfelt Apologies

Heartfelt Apologies

Cultivating Love

As part of the yoga curriculum I offer at Girls Inc., we teach taking responsibility for our own actions to the ladies.  We demonstrate how to communicate our feelings and “own up” to our mistakes in a mature manner.

When I prepared for this topic, I felt I knew how to deliver a heartfelt apology.  And as an adult, I do deliver loving direct apologies to other adults.  To my children, I tend to add what we call a “backhanded” comment to the apology.  “I’m sorry I got upset, but you really drive me crazy.”  What message am I really delivering?  It’s not really my fault.  I don’t feel sorry. 

“Apologies are powerful because they’re a public demonstration of remorse, an acknowledgement of the consequences of hurtful behavior, and an affirmation of the dignity of the person who has been wrong.” (Queen Bees and Wanna Bees by Rosalind Wiseman)

Our children as well as our friends and family learn from how we handle our mistakes whether they are two or 72.  We are, in fact, role models whether we want to be or not.  Even the aggressive driver we wave apologetically to sees our loving nature.

Set aside your pride, and admit when you’re wrong.  Apologize for what you’ve done.  It’s that simple.  Delivering that message is more of an art.  First, give details of the situation you are apologizing for (I’m sorry I snapped when you came home late.) Include only your actions not those of others involved.  (I apologize I didn’t say anything on your behalf in front of Mom.)  Avoid the backhanded remarks and don’t expect an apology in return.  To deliver a true apology, we must be willing to be vulnerable and open even if the other party is not receptive to our apology.

To help get your mind in a more forgiving place, practice this loving-kindness meditation.  Find a comfortable seat, and close your eyes.  Begin by focusing your attention on your breath allowing the inhale and exhale to be even.  Then, repeat the following phrases:

May I be happy. 

May I be healthy. 

May I be safe. 

May I be loved.

Next, change the “I” to someone you are having a difficult time with. Repeat the phrases with their name.  With practice, you will notice a subtle shift in how you hold your emotions towards this person.  You will begin to see her with a loving and open heart.

When we find love within, we are better able to offer compassion and forgiveness in a meaningful way.